I spent most of yesterday reflecting on my emotions, as I had been teary for the past 48 hours. I wanted to see if I could really get in touch with what was going on for me. HORMONES! Maybe?!
I am not sure if through this whole pregnancy I have REALLY, REALLY connected with the whole experience of being a human incubator and being a NEW PARENT. Imagine having on your TO DO LIST: incubate baby, learn to be a parent. Don’t laugh at me! Yes, these things appear on my internal TO DO LIST…I am nutty that way.
But here’s what I think brought on the tears, besides just hormones. I am learning to let go of control, and slowly realizing that I am vulnerable. Vulnerable, meaning, open to any possibility or situation and being open and able to accept help when I need it. Being vulnerable is a VERY SCARY thing for me. You can’t put, incubate a baby and learn to be a parent, on a TO DO LIST! It’s one of those things that you learn and experience along the way. You can’t control it. I can’t control it. CAN SOME TELL THAT TO MY SUBCONSCIOUS! Ok, look, if my brain and my subconscious can’t get along one of them is going to be sent to their room until they can play fair…hahahaha!
Now I know all this anti-control stuff intellectually, but I think the concept is integrating itself fully into my body and I am on the verge of having a major AHA! Moment, hence all the tears. The tears seem to reflect me working through the scary part of that.
My brain says, “I can’t control the world or even predict what might happen, I could go into labor at any moment. Ready or not, Extra Little could come flying out and that’s ok.”
My Subconscious says, ‘OMG I can’t control the world or even predict what might happen? I could go into labor at any moment. Ready or not, Extra Little could come flying out and, and, and…its NOT ok!
“Why is THAT sooo scary?” Asks Brain
Subconscious replies…because the Nursery isn’t done, I haven’t tied up loose ends, I haven’t completed all my goals, everything isn’t in “perfect” order, I haven’t planned every single little detail of my life, I haven’t read every book and, and, and….!
Then my dad calls at the perfect time and says, (what my brain would say) “Kendra, what’s the worst thing that could happen?” I laughed, I say this to people all the time…and here my Dad is saying it to me. It’s a great question, one of my favorites!
Then I sat with all these thoughts and wondered if my fear is really not about NOT BEING ABLE, but instead is about BEING ABLE, able to handle anything that comes my way no matter how hard it is. Does that make sense? Then I woke up this morning and read an email from SUPERSMITTE a GBD member who shared this quote. I know and love this quote as well and wanted to share it with you.
A quote by Marianne Williamson:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that
we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most
frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of
God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing
enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around
you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make
manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us;
it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give
other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own
fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”